Survivor of Suicide

They say a journey begins with a single step. That's not always true. For us, it was as simple as one single action.

In January of 2016, our life took a drastic and irreversible change. My husband, my very best friend, my soulmate of over 20+ years, and my children's devoted dad, committed completed suicide (difference agencies actually ask you not to say committed, they do not want to condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them by using the wrong terminology). He left no note. No goodbyes, no last kisses, no last embrace. One second he was here and then with the pull of a trigger, he was gone.

I wasn't even in the same state when he did it. I relive that phone call every day. Like a record that's been scratched when it just keeps replaying the same words over and over again. I replay all the phone calls that my mind can remember, every single day, whether I want to or not.

I get angry with my husband at times for making this final decision. He would have called it the "Executive Decision".  That's what he called decisions where I have no input or choice to choose.  The destruction and devastation he left in his wake, at times seems  insurmountable.

My sweet, loving, generous husband suffered from horrible migraines for over 30 years, Chronic pain for 15+ yrs and the last two have been severe chronic pain. We tried everything to help resolve or at least lessen the pain he was in and the frequency, duration and severity of my husbands at times debilitating migraines.   Our family full heartily believes that my husband could no longer take the pain and the depression was so great he saw only one option, one way to end his pain.

I chose to go public with our story and my husbands decision, in hopes that those that are considering suicide, realize how much life is worth living, and those that are survivors know they are not alone. Suicide has a stigma to it. It's unnatural. It's in our natural animal instinct to want to survive, so for someone to chose to end their life, people don't understand that. And we all know, people are scared of what they don't know.

I'm hoping to share, touch and educate people that suicide is a problem. Depression is a problem. Chronic pain is a problem.  People with depression aren't just sad and can "snap" out of it. People with chronic pain don't just have a "low pain tolerance".

If you see someone struggling, ask them if they're ok. Ask them if they have a plan and are they considering suicide. For some people it's something they think about often, for others the fog comes over them so quickly you don't see it coming. People who commit (or as a book I read said, completed suicide), are sometimes some of the best actors and actresses there are. They wake up and put on the mask to cover their true feelings, each and everyday.

This was my husbands mercy.

Mer-cy :    An event to be grateful for, especially because the occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.  

We are survivors of suicide.