Its not that the realization hasn't hit me before. Nor that I haven't thought about it. It's the crazy waves that go through your mind at the oddest of times.
Sitting in a waiting room, at the grocery store, driving, watching tv.... its like you don't have control over your own brain anymore. Sometimes it hits you at the least inopportune moment of time, when you don't need everyone and their mother to see you fall apart.
The reality of, you will not be growing old with your loved one. You will not hold hands sitting on the back deck sipping ice tea. You will not go to dinner and snuggle at a movie, or take a vacation.... there are a billion more things I can name off, because my brain goes through them...alllllllll.
I also go through being angry. Screaming at him in the car when no one can hear me. Crying for him in the shower, where the water makes it look like i got soap in my eyes. Or just waiting for bedtime where the tears will surely show up and the different scenarios, what ifs, and instant replays will invade my thoughts. Honestly, if someone could actually see inside my head and read my thoughts and what goes through my brain, I'd scare the shit out of them and they'd institutionalize me. Then again, they say all us survivors go through this.. these crazy thoughts.
This past weekend I was angry. Angry that I'm dealing with an issue in the house that we had dealt with in the past and instead of just replacing we put a bandaid on it and hoped it fixed it. Well it didn't. So now I have to fork out replacing it all together because I just can't keep worrying about it and its one less thing for me to worry about in the future. But while going through it, I was very angry with him. Angry that, right this minute, I felt he took the easy way out, while I'm left here to suck it up and deal with life head on. Because I have to. I dont have a choice. Its not like you can just say, ya know what, I have decided I dont want to be an adult anymore and I'd like to give back my adulthood membership.. keep the fee's, just take the membership away. No, its not that easy no matter how much we want to be able to do what all those meme's on facebook say. I liked to say I know it wasn't easy for him, but I dont know. I dont know jack shit obviously. I didn't know it had gotten to this point. I didn't know he was this depressed. Maybe this wasn't an easy decision for him, and it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. But the hardest thing I've ever had to do is face life and try to go on living without him.
